Harleys Journal =]

haven't updated in a while. Not that much has happened, well actually, alot has happened.

I've totally given up on James, have someone else in mind now, he's yummy. James was just too much of an arsehole, a complete and utter fucking idiot. Where this new guy, who's in my class at college, is lovely. I really quite like him at the moment, but I'm not relying on anything to be honest, so I'm just going to act normal. We messaged eachother for ages, like for 4 days constantly then spoke on msn. Meh...see where it goes innit.

My anger problem as reached boiling point. I broke down the other day, practically was on the floor and couldn't breathe with anger. I had to be rushed into the doctors, he's referred me to the in house pyschiatrists, which I guess is good, but I don't think I will be able to tell my problems to a complete stranger. I have enough problems telling them to my family. I'm embarresed about it you know, so it will be hard. But i need to do it, if not for me, for my mam.

hhmmm that's it for today.

"a-a-a-alright"..yes that is how I greeted James today, the first time to ever meet him since the last time and I am so shy it's unbeleivable. After that not so welcoming hi I scurried out and basically ran away. Haha I'm talking to him now on msn, and he said are you in a mood with me? and I said no?! why haha playing the don't know anything card.

haha cos you just looked at me ,whimpered and backed away as quick as possible..
jaydeegillard@aol.com (E-mail Address Not Verified) says:
you looked scared shitless...

Harley. [It's not that I am anti-social. I just don't like you] says:
i said hi! i wasn't scared at all...nervous...but not scared

jaydeegillard@aol.com (E-mail Address Not Verified) says:
haha well incredibly nervous then...you kinda whispered "hi" then retreated as quick as possible..

Harley. [It's not that I am anti-social. I just don't like you] says:
if you have to know i really needed a wee...i even said that to girls i was with...and i was incredibly nervous...i will admit to that

jaydeegillard@aol.com (E-mail Address Not Verified) says:
lmao...are you sure yuo have the balls to be able to talk to me face to face..?

Harley. [It's not that I am anti-social. I just don't like you] says:
have some confidence in me...

I thought I managed it pretty well, but I can see now how stupid I must have looked. He said you really need to work on your insecurity, which he is right about. I really like him, and it's terrible that I can't even buiold up the courage to talk to him. Argh! I hate myself sometimes, not all of me, I think my ass is nice haha but I mean I am so scared of rejection it's unbeleiveable. "Will he like me?" "What if he thinks I'm fat" "What if i'm not witty enough" All these run through my head everytime I see him and I just can't control it. I hate not being in control of things, it's lame.

is what I need, no want. I 'm so tired it's ridiculous. Argh and people are so annoying, ahaha I spent the whole day laughing at Rachel Hatch and her boyfriend, haha it's so funny.

They act like their in a erotic film, and to be honest their not exactly Sharon Stone or Mick Rourke. Oh well apparently Rachel is a fit blonde according to her lover haha ugly ginger maybe.

Hhaha awww I'm bitchy.

I am knackered. Work is hardddd! Oh well. I guess it is quite fun, especially when me and Matthew the manager have sing along's to Elvis while doing the dishes haha he's ace.

I had a funny feeling I would see Matt and Meg today but I didn't thank god. Not that I hate her or anything but you know, awkwardness, especially since I was serving. I don't mean to go on, but I really need a man, a penis, anything fallus shaped. =O. If my Mam could see me. Argh but you know 7 months...I'm getting extremely frustrated now, more than anyone can understand, it's all I think about.

Oooooffff there was a sexy boy in work today, I just walked past him and you know, creamed haha. Argh yesterday in schoool, was so annoying. Sam and Barry (bitch) came from mcD's and sat right next to me! and trapped me in my seat so I couldn't get out. So I had to sit there, with Barry boasting about all her friends and being the normal person who I hate. So in the end I like embarresingly scooted myself out of my very nice position and walked out, decidedly in a huff.

Ahhh better go, Bromfeild work is calling.

Meg just talked to me! I was so surprised nearly fell off my chair. Lol no I've always thought she was a nice girl anyway it's just the general you know situation we was in. But anyway fair play she seems a lovely girl, he doesn't deserve her to be honest but you know it's none of my business. Mind I was apparently too good for him according to Emily. Oh well she said that sorry she deleted me from myspace and such, it was because Matt, my ex and now her bf didn't want her talking to me. =O. I said I don't blame him really, which I don't, cos I can be a bitch about him.

Oh well that shocked me on a otherwise sad friday night in doing nothing but listening to my music. Hmmm I feel so left out recently, nothing to do, no one to go out with. I mean cos I have no boyfriend I feel excluded from things, and I refuse to be the goosebury anymore than I have been in the past. It hurt me alot and made me self concious so I'm not doing that anymore. I realised I would never make a friend of mine bother with just me and my boyfriend so why should I have to do it.

Hmmm, I am knackered tonight, and I have work tomorrow. Argh I really don't want to do it. But you know money is money at the end of the day. I would prefer to have money than just be stuck on my own doing nothing all weekend, which I'm sick of. I feel so alone haha I feel stupid saying that, like a miserable cow who has nothing better to do.

Oh I went to see my form tutor today about seeing the social worker lady person. She said "What's wrong?" and the flood gates opened right up, it was so embarressing. But anyway she is referring me to her and Miss Miller so I'm going have to tell her my pissing problems now. Not that broadcasting it on here is the best idea, but I'm only friends with Marina and Lig on here, which is quite sad. Once I left form everyone was going "Awww Harl what's wrong? " I just said I didn't want to talk about it, cos I didn't. Haha Emily was so pissed off because of that.

Hmmm going to go now.

=]

Ahhhhhhhh yeah? I'm confused at the moment, really confused. With my life, lovelife and social and school. I don't know what to do to be honest. I can't put my finger on it but there's something missing, and I need it. I think it is a boyfriend, and even though James is the only obvious choice, and I really like him, I don't know, there's something still missing.

I can't be arsed to carry on.

Argh I'm in pain. My legs. back and head hurt, but their self inflicted from work, so I can't really complain. I'm working next weekend saturday and sunday which should be fun.

I really don't wanna go to school tomorrow, I like the lessons I have but I mean, I'm just not in the mood. I wanna stay in bed all day like and just have a certain someone next to me. Hmmm I haven't given up on him after, Lig won't be pleased. He apologised for being a twat, and asked if we can still meet up because I'm pretty, but he said it's mainly my personality why he likes me. I know he's telling the truth too cos we have met before just never got to get to know eachother properly due to the circumstances. I hope he doesn't fuck me about anymore, this is his last chance and I know I'm being stupid by giving him this many chances (about three). I think I'm just sick of being single, apart from the obvious lack of sex, it;s the lack iof having someone there who isn't my family. I mean I just want to be able to call someone up and know I can kiss them the next time I see them and they will make me feel better about things. I said this to him and he agreed that thats what he wants, which is good. He is just, argh, I can't describe it. He isn't like anyone I have ever met before. With previous people I am fighting to get intellectual conversation out of them, I feel superior to them (I don't care if that is up my own arse-ish) but with him I am constantly learning and I am always surprised with what he does next. He wrote something based on me and I was so surprised, well not based on me but I "helped him invent it" or something stupid like that. He just came online now, I want to talk to him as soon as he does, but I know I have to leave it a few minutes, so I don't seem to needy, which I'm not anyway.

I need to sharpen up my photography skills, I haven't took a decent picture in a while and I miss having that feeling of capturing something beautiful. I think I might go down the pond, by the bridge, next time I have some spare time between working, school and homework. I'm getting a bit bored with school now, I enjoyed it for a while but the whole routine is getting me down again like it did in GCSE. I like college though, the twilight course I do on a tuesday and wednesday, I really enjoy the atmosphere there. The people are fun as hell too though I haven't got to know them too well yet, but want to. That reminds me I have to start my coursework for Film, argh I love it, analysing, writing it down argh it's fun as.

The back of my leg feels silly, it's like theres a sore but not just the pain of one. I bet your all going ewwwwwwwww now hahaha. Well fuck you sit there and read about my pussy sores (HAHA). Hmm I guess I should go now, even though I don't want to, I want to continue boring you but intrigueing you into reading further.

Ahhh I guess I'll go, I've wrote enough to last you ages.

I started work today, and by God was it crazeee. The most rushed of my feet I have ever been in my life. First Matthew, our obviously gay but extremely lovely Manager trained me and two other girls, Roxanne and Becca I think, on all the important issues. Health and safety and what not. But to be honest what I'm doing isn't difficult so I picked it up within a matter of two minutes, it's just fucking tedious. Clearing tables, washing tables, taking the tray to the back, putting away the cups and plates, putting them in the dishwasher and then back out on the floor. Sometimes I just stayed by the dishwasher because the ohther two girls weren't putting away properly, so I had to clear all hte back log of plates away, which took it out of.

And thank fuck I know how to mop, had to mop practically the whole restaurant, but it was ok cos I don't mind doing stuff on my own. The people there are lovely too so I kind of enjoy it, it will help me with my shyness I think too.

Finally when it came time to come home, 6.00pm! I had the most aching legs in the whole world. My fucked up knee was well...fucked by the end of the day. I'm working tomorrow now too, but meh I need the money and I don't care what James says, even if it is on the Sabbath it don't mean shit to me.

Anyway I am so tired now but I'm not tired enough to go to bed. Fuck it.

=]

Good day? yeah it was ok i suppose. Note the use of making up someone asking me that question, since no one bothers to anymore. I'm feeling really lonely latley, just want someone there for me you know? I hate not having a boyfriend an all, but the thought of commitment scares me a bit and to be honest I doubt it would be a relationship with James, just sex probably, even though he said he didn't want that. I don't want that either, but all I'm thinking about latley is sex, I mean come on 7 months without it, it's getting a bit rediculous now. Also, the fact that I'm getting it rubbed in my face how happy my ex is isn't helping, I hate that bitch Barry, the snide cow.

I think I'm losing most my friend, except lig (wink). Emily and Rob are always leaving me in school, it doesn't bother with Rob cos he always does it, and to think of it it doesn't bother me with Emily but you know, it's like they only bother with me when Tasha or Kirsty arn't around. I just feel used at the moment, like no one even cares what happens to me, and that everyone is just using me for what they can get out of me, which is a person who's there for them who doesn't expect any thing back. I think that's why latley I've been quite like closed with people, even though I'm more outgoing I don't let people know alot about me anymore, cos I know I won't trust them. It hurts to know that I don't really have anyone except my family, who are great, but you know I just want a boy who will treat me right and be there and who will cuddle me and treat me how I deserve, cos I know I deserve better than what I've been getting. I just don't feel anyone can get me ever, I feel like I'm trapped in my own 'fucked up' mind, I know it's not fucked up. I know compared to some I fairly sane and normal, but I can't help but feel it since no one cares to listen about my problems. I know I'm moaning but whenever I start telling someone my problems they start going on about whats happening in their life, and it annoys me. It's like argh just fucking listen to me for a while, then you can drone on about your life. The only people who I can stand telling me about their life is Lig and Lucy, Lig cos she rocks and Lucy cos she's the funniest girl on this earth and she cheers me up.

Anyway I think I'll stop moaning on her now, I bet your tired of reading about my sad little life, hmmpf.

Lig I shall come sporting with you...kayaking? boxing? bear fighting? name your toxic.

Hahah well happy today, even though got hella of a ulser on my mouth and feel like shit but meh happy in my mind i guess. That makes me sound like I'm crazee but it's all gooood.

Right going to go now. I can't be arsed with this thing really, nothing to put down of interest.

=]

Right james is horny now and making me it. God he brings out the little girl in me, which is kind of sick. Anyway, now he's on about what if he just came up to me and kissed me, grrrr i would be horny then. It would be quite sweet actually. He said how long have you got before college, haha cheeky get.

to the Battle of the Bands tonight. I think Barry and Matt will be there, I hope they fucking ain't though. God I hate barry, she is just a coniving two faced bitch and would gladly slap her with a spoon. Grrrr...anyway yeah going to battle of bands tonight so should be a good laugh unless she gets on my nerves. If she does I will beat her ass.

Im annoyed now.

I'm ill again. Seriously I think I'm diseased. I have headachey brain now, grrr I fuxcking hate it.

I want to see james too, it's annoying me because I want to build up the courage to do it, but it's so damn hard. Especially cos I'm paranoid all the time.

Ahhh not going to go to school tomorrow, fuck it. And oh! I have a job now, in Masserella's in festival park. OH YEAH! 3.75 an hour but meh it'll do for now. And I'll try and work as much as I can to get money and save it.

Today has been fucking brilliant, well the school part was mediocre but the college part was fucking hilarious. Normal day at school, lessons, boredome, tiredness and then wanting to go to college.

So the time came and arghhh it was brill. We had to do a story board and me, laura, dan and kris done about hoes and pimps and the other guys done one about bum rape and squirting. WTF? but it was fucking great.

anyway bored now.

History is pissing me off. Good day in school though. Well it was ok I suppose, but the people there I hate apart from Rob, Emily and Lucy, and a few others. There's no one i can really call my friend and me and Lig seem to be separating, I think all she cares about is her college life now. I can't help that I'm in 6th form which I think was the better choice for me. I'm going to start going out with James, and seeing him probably so hopefully I won't be alone. My work is taking up alot of my time, I don't know how I got the time to write this.

I don't feel full filled at all, not in school or anything, but just in life. I'm happy with my life, but it doesn't seem complete yet, I don't look forward to getting up everyday, and I can't really say I would be missed if I didn't wake.

Ahhh well stop with this miserable shit now Harley. At least Marina's live journal will keep you going.

I can't wait to see James, really, he means more to me than most people now.

the only person you care about is gavin lig. i can't be arsed anymore.

pissed off. Grrr I hate it when people think they know more than me. I mean i've grown up with it all my life...and learned alot about it...and suddenly you know everything.

ggrrrrrr

I hate when people who know less than me try to tell me i'm wrong.

grrrrrrrr

Rob is one his way over...for me to dye his hair. Seriously, if it wasn't for the clear prescence of a male anatomy I swear that boy was a woman.

But anyway it will give me something to do, on a day that would otherwise be boring as hell. However it's giving me an excuse to not do my keyskills homework. Fuck it.

an interview for a new cafe that's opening in the festival park....Novu. It went really good and I'm hoping they will call me for a second interview, yeah I know two interviews! Must be important job.

Anyhoo changed from English Language to Film studies in College, a twilight course. Which the only sucky thing about is I have Taste of Choas the same day as college, but will just have to miss one lesson.

And so far 6th form is really good, I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Even though everyone reckons I'm mental for saying it but I like hard work, makes me feel like I actually deserve to be there.

Off now.